Grief #2

Image by Kameron Kincade

Im looking for something to numb the pain

The pain of being and what was and won’t be

There’s no way to undo your life, is there?

With each loss, my spirit sinks deeper still

Layer after layer, my heart is wrapped up

In sheets of grief

Grief

I’m sad. No matter how hard I try to believe otherwise, my body has given its verdict and I will not fight it anymore.

The only way to get through grief is to live through it, right? There’s no easier way to do it. There’s no shorter route to the end of the tunnel.

It is slow and painful. But it is what it is. I will live through it.

Sometime later

I know sometime later, it will hurt less

Things will make sense, and we will move on

I know sometime later, your voice will not shake my heart

And places we visited won’t make me crave

I guess I can feel now, the loss you felt at losing your lighthouse

But I wish you could see that it wasn’t my punishment to take

I know sometime later, I will heal

I only hope you can find it in your heart to heal yourself too

Save myself

I want you out of me, all of you.

I despise your selfish touch

I despise your harsh words

You have no respect for anybody whatsoever

But you will act victim. Everytime

Maybe I deserved you

Maybe you’re my wakeup call

But one day I’ll free myself of you

One day I’ll save myself .

Credit Freestocks

The art of disguise

Yes ma, he yelled at your little one again

Oh what would you do?

Yes ma, he belittled your princess again

Oh but what would you do?

I see your eyes searching for truth

Trying hard to see if your little one cried last night

As if knowing the truth would make a difference

Everyone is so happy today, what a perfect family

Lets all close our eyes and pretend to not see its ugliness

Cuz we all want everyone to be happy together

The cost of which should not be voiced

So I have learnt it ma though you didnt teach me

You will never be able to tell my smile apart, it’s an art of disguise

Image by Fakurian Arts

The first day is the worst

Image by Aaron Burden

It was a long day, today! And finally its nighttime, 11:23pm to be precise, 37 minutes before it’s officially over.

And the first day is the worst, right?

I have all the reason to believe that tomorrow will be a better day?

Am I living a deja vu? Are my years on a loop? Last year this time I had lost. It took me a year to gather my bits that are now floating in a vacuum. Oh I see them.

No matter what happens, I’ll never hate you Autumn. So what if you split things, you didn’t choose the Nature, you already carry too much pain. I forgive you. Until again, I’ll start collecting my bits all over again.

Ode to 2017: part 1, the Scars

Accidents lead to wounds. Wounds lead to scars and scars will always remind you of the pain from your wounds. 

None of it is voluntary or under your control. And no matter what someone tells you, this is the brutal truth and the reality behind suffering. 

Jumbled up alphabets, work in progress

But how this pain shapes you, is what you yourself determine. This is not involuntary, this is a conscious choice. And if you’re not making it, then you’re making a mistake.

So you choose today, the direction you want to walk in. Internalise, one of my favourite movie quotes from Ghost Rider:

“If you don’t make a choice, the choice makes you.”

I like to wear my scars. Because they remind me of what can be overcome. They remind me to be humble, because only when you tone down the shouts of your ego, can you really appreciate the subtle tone of life. You don’t even know it, but the most profound lessons are registered by your mind when the silence within you resonates with the silence outside. 

About part 2: I’m currently working on a surprise. I’m redoing one of my room walls, its a little token of thanks to myself for choosing to fight, and for allowing the faith to be stronger than my fears. 

Autumn story