Letters to my daughter#1 – Love

I have never known love like the comfort of holding you

I have never known pleasure like the joy of kissing you

I have never known strength like the will to fight for you

I have never known fear like the thought of losing you

You redefine me and everything I have ever believed

I will never know a life again without your life blooming in it

Grief

I’m sad. No matter how hard I try to believe otherwise, my body has given its verdict and I will not fight it anymore.

The only way to get through grief is to live through it, right? There’s no easier way to do it. There’s no shorter route to the end of the tunnel.

It is slow and painful. But it is what it is. I will live through it.

Resilience

My eyes are tired, as if they haven’t slept in years

My heart is dry, as if it hasn’t rained since long

My mind is clogged, as if in the middle of an eternal duststorm

Yet here I breathe, breeze in breeze out

With every blink of my eye, I run towards a tiny ray of hope

Hoping that it will pull me out in sunshine and meadow . Amen

Image by David Becker

Courageous

You owned up everything

You came upfront and faced all the consequences

How did you get to be so brave?

Where will we go from here?

I wish I could fast forward our lives to few years from now

When all the dust has hopefully settled and we’re headed somewhere

Somewhere happier, somewhere less complicated

Oh how I wish I could.

Is the worst yet to come?

Image by Ajay Karpur

Each fight is worse than before, but I wonder whats the worst? Has it passed or is it yet to come?

Should I prepare or live in the moment? What difference does it make?

You! You can sulk all day, as you on most days do. You can lay back on the couch and care about not a thing in the world.

But me? I’m a mother. I get no days to sulk. I have to get up each morning, gather all strength and make our child feel like its just another day. Put up a smile, make her happy while my head hurts and I feel weighed down. But I won’t show you and that kills you, doesn’t it?

It bothers you why you can’t break me? My resilience burns you. Burn. Cuz I aint going down because of you. No matter how long the cat and dog show continues, I’m standing the ground.

Forbidden fruit

There’s something so dreamy about you. You’re my forbidden fruit.

You’re poetry and mystery. You’re an abyss I shouldn’t step into.

But you make my heart and soul ache. Only once in a while, I yearn to be set ablaze in your flame

But I’ve drowned, and roamed the thorny pathways. I yearn and then pay an aching price. So I dare not light a spark now

I’m in no Eden, but if I fall still, I’ll never recover and that’d be the end of me, my forbidden fruit.